Deep Thoughts

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

"Contrary to what most people think, the most dangerous animal is not a tiger or a bear or a lion. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything it sees."

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

"It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons."

"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."

"I was taking my little nephew to Disney Land when I decided to pull a funny trick. Instead of Disney Land, I pulled up to an old, burned down warehouse. "Oh no," I said. "Disney Land burned down." When he started crying I thought I should tell him but it was getting late."

"Mom always to me I could be anything I wanted within reason. When I asked what ‘within reason’ meant, she said I asked a lot of questions for a garbage man."